*Un-edited*
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When everything seemed to be right, it all went wrong. "How am I supposed to choose? Or am I not even in the position to choose? Is-Is this what destiny asks me to do? Or... I don't even know where I am and what I am doing in this-this strange dream, this drama or I don't know what this all is. I ju-just know the guy I am in love with is there right in front of me but he isn't himself. Nobody is, the guy I saw as Jungkook, a singer I adored is a crown prince and the guy I have one-sided love for is- is his cousin? And just who am I? And why am I here?" A tornado of confusion and questions was sucking up every piece of sense left in my brain. I just wanted to clutch someone and cry. The pain of seeing someone you like everyday knowing that even in this fake world you can't be his, is more painful than knowing that there is or will never be a chance to have him.I was so close to him but still so far. Again that morning, when I woke up the dream was still not over. Am I really the main character of a drama? Am I...Am I supposed to choose Jungkook and not Jin? But how can I?
"It's just a dream Barisha it's not real." ever since I woke up those were the only few words I could tell myself in order to not freak out and do what I am here to do and not what I want to.
"It's just temporary Brishu. This guy who looks like Seokjin isn't Seokjin in reality. He only looks like him." I wonder if I really have turned into a crazy person or is it just normal when you fan girl over someone. Is it alright to shed tears unknowingly with the thought that you may never have this person? How does these tears keep rolling down from my eyes every time I think of the reality? I can't live in dreams and fantasies forever.
It was almost afternoon when I finally decided to move out of my room. The bright smile and narrow eyes on an almost familiar but still familiar face welcomed me to the living room.
"Unnie, are you still feeling sick? Should we go to a physician or something?"
"Shi Eun?"
"Hm?" She looked at me. Her eyes were open so wide that I was both afraid and amused by the fact that a little more wide and they will pop out and fall on the floor.
"I am hungry but umm... I-I don't want to eat anything. Should we... should we go out? I need some sunlight I'm not feeling good." I answered lazily. My eyes were so adjusted with the darkness in my room that even the little light in the living room left me blind for almost half a minute.
"Are-are you... Let's just go to the physician."
"Why are you so concerned? I said I am fine that means I am fine. If you want to come with me then come else you can stay here and I will go out on my own." More than Shi Eun I was surprised my tone. But I was well aware where that cockiness was coming from. It was coming from the anger and confusion that was building in my heart.
"I'll go. I am sorry for-"
"I'm sorry" Just why was I spitting my anger out on the poor Shi Eun who was just concerned about my health? She was bowing in front of me for doing absolutely nothing and there I was standing after scolding her for no reason. The least I could do at that time was saying sorry but as soon as I said the words, her eyes widened up even bigger than before, she swallowed the lump in her throat. She was shocked as if it was her first time hearing the words.
"Uh-uhm... Where do you want to go unnie?"
"Anywhere."
Somehow we ended up at the same place from last evening. The evening when-when Jungkook told me he-he knew I was interested in him.. I mean Danbi. That Danbi was interested in him. Is this some kind of a sign? A sign to tell me that this is your fate don't run away from this. Now when I am sitting here again, maybe... maybe I should accept it. Accept that this is, in fact my temporary reality.
*Jungkook's POV*
Now that I think about it, maybe... maybe it wasn't that wrong to finally tell her about my feelings. I don't know what she is thinking but-but I am glad that I can sit beside her and look at her as much as I want without her knowing. Her eyelashes are so, they are long. Her nose is high and her, her lips are they are beautiful. Just what am I thinking and just why am I imagining all these things about an ordinary girl? It's not like I-I like her. But I do, I actually do and I-I have confessed her. Is it, is it even alright to feel this way for someone?
"You?"
I didn't even realize I was staring at her all along. All the time while I was in my thoughts. My eyes were fixed on her beautiful face as I contemplated if I really like her or not. Beautiful? No. She isn't beautiful at all. Actually she is... she is chubby? Yes, she is chubby and her cheeks are quite puffed and her eyes... they are beautiful. They aren't, aren't exactly umm... normal? They are different than others.
"Is this a habit of yours?"
"Huh?"
"Looking at me without noticing that you are. Holding my hand forgetting the fact that you have to leave it once you are done dragging me. Am I invisible to you? Or do you find me too pretty?"
I am holding her hand? My eyes are suddenly on my hand and it's in no way even touching her,
With a chuckle she is looking right into my eyes, no, she isn't beautiful she just isn't.
*Barisha's POV*
"Didn't you say you are good at everything? I think I can't believe you, you look quite absent minded right now." Why are his eyes fixed on me? It's almost making me want to notice him more. He have rabbit teeth, I have them too.
"Why are you here? I mean this place."
"Why are you sitting next to me and was staring me down like this?" He is gulping, is he? He is hiding something? "Do you want to tell me something?"
"Why would I tell you something? I was just crossing from here so I just thought of taking some rest. I saw you coming here so I-I was already sitting here."
"Here? I didn't notice. Ah! Shi Eun? Where is Shi Eun?"
"I-I don't know. Why will I know where your servant is gone. I don't know." Twitching again. He is lying again.
"Can a crown prince walk in the city this freely?"
"I have a lot of freedom. My dad, he never forced anything on me since I am good at everything. So he just lets me do whatever I want for now." The look in his eyes is this confident but distant. Almost like-like the one I had when I was... was myself.
"It hurts doesn't it? At times when you feel the pressure of being good at everything. People expects too much from you and when you can't fulfill to their over the top expectations they judge you." Looking at the sun's reflection in the water, the dispersion of the orange in the blue of the sky. "Metaphoric"
"Huh?"
I points at the dancing disfigured reflection of Sun in the water. "That's how your soul feels. Shaken, when you can't fulfill their expectations of you."
As I shift my face to look at him his eyes were already on me. It's as if, as if he is happy to hear my words. I can just smile to his innocent but pressed expressions. I want to, to hold his hand to let him know that I can feel his pressure but... is it even alright to do so? The tip of my fingers feel warm, his hand is slowly approaching I can feel it even when my eyes are fixed at him.
Cliche, this situation is cliche. A proper K-Drama setting but I wasn't lying when I said all that. More than his feelings I wanted to spill mine.
His hands are warm and definitely bigger than mine. Not that I can complaint, my hands are-
"Unnie" Small? Neither mine nor Jungkook's eyes are ready to break the so-called 'Can-see-your-soul turned staring-contest' it's almost like if any of us will look away that person will lose.
"Danbi unnie!" The voice is coming closer. He lost, he looked away before I did.
"Oppa? You are with..." Bo-Young's eyes are glittering up. I know what she is thinking. Wait! She knew about Danbi and Wang Jun too?
"Are we disturbing you two?"
"We?" I am still lost. The contemplation, anger, confusion along with Jungkook looking into my eyes blankly, I can't focus on anything. Without even noticing my eyes are already on someone that I can't see. I have to strain to look at the person's face clearly.
"You? You two are? You are holding hands." This voice, Jin? I can't even look at him right now because if I will, I won't be able to look away. I have hardly made my mind few minutes ago to give in to fate's plan I can't do this. 'Be strong, Barisha.'
Jungkook has already left my hand while I was thinking. I can't give up, if it's Jungkook then Jungkook it is. I slipped my fingers into the gap of his. Why does it feel right? The warmth of his hand, it's almost melting my heart. I-Am I taking the right decision?
He is trying to wiggle his hand to leave mine but I won't give up. I clutches his hand tight and takes a deep breath before I face him, the guy I love and is going to cheat, The guy who doesn't even know I love him and as a matter of fact, isn't even the guy I love but just the one who looks like him.
As soon as I settle my eyes on Bo-Gyeong, Jun's eyes are plastered on my face, I can feel his cold eyes staring at me wanting to ask "why?" but I can't answer right now. I can't even look at him. Because this is my closure to Bo-Gyeong. This is my closure to Jin. I can't love him right now. Bo-Gyeong eyes are slowly coming to my face from Jun and my hand. As his eyes are coming on my face it feels like the world is on a slow motion mode, his hairs looks brown under the sunlight. His skin is shining. Just why am I in love with him? Just why does my breath slows down as soon as his dark eyes are on me? Can I even look into his eyes without falling in love with him even more. Now that here no longer is a screen in front of me but he himself is. Can I- I am afraid that I won't be able to come back once I'll drown into his eyes. Everything is so ridiculous and it all feels real.
It's only a matter of seconds when his eyes will be locked with mine, Jun has given up struggling too. His hand is, his grip is strong and warm.
*Jungkook's POV*
Why is she not leaving my hand? I can't wiggle my hand anymore what if I end up hurting her hand in my attempt to get my hand out of her grasp? If I put strength then, then she will get hurt. And I-I just can't hurt her. I don't know why. Isn't it just better to hold it?
Her hand is so small, it feels colder in comparison to mine and more softer. It's like-like a baby's hand. Her pulse is slower than normal, is it because I am holding her hand? Maybe she isn't not beautiful. Maybe, she is she is cute.
*Jin's POV*
Why do I feel a little... weird, is it? That's what she wanted and I knew it and, and she looks happy. Then why does it suddenly feel like my intestines are suddenly pressuring the walls of my stomach downward? They are just holding hands. I don't hate Wang Jun enough to feel this way then... then why? Why is it feeling like there's a lump in my throat? That there's something I want to say but I don't know what it is.
When they all were fighting with their inner-selves a sound suddenly grabbed their attention. The voice of the ringing bell from a passerby's stall.
As soon as the bell rang, Wang Jun's eyes stared down Danbi and she looks back at him. The shock is mutual. Is this really fate?
To be continued...
(Story is currently on hiatus)