Nakul’s POV:
And that’s when we parted. I along with Arun and Aazaad drove to Ayush and Aazaad’s house. Though it was nothing new for me to meet a girl and take her home straight away, at that time, with her, it wasn’t a choice for me but a compromise. The reason to take her home was different, the fact that she was the way she was, was different on its own. Maybe it was just my curiosity at the beginning that made me feel the way I still feel about her because she was never the person I imagined to be interested in but I did fall for her. As much as I thought she was just like every other girl, she kept giving me reasons to believe that she wasn’t. Or maybe she was but to me, she was just Aazaad. No one could ever be her or like her. There was something unordinary about her, she was special or just not like others.
‘I’ll help you’, Arun was disappointed with the night ending too soon and most importantly on his chance to steal something from my closet so he kept trying till the very end. While I stayed in the car and gave countless signals to tell them to hurry up, the two finally sat inside after what seemed like a whole hour-long conversation.
‘Were we here to talk? Why were you two smiling so much?’
‘We were just talking.’ Arun looked at Aazaad who was sitting in the back seat and smiled. From the back view mirror, I could see her smiling back and I was already done with their lovey-dovey chemistry that was filling up my car. Not on my watch. I started the car with a full acceleration.
‘Dude! Be careful. Aazaad, are you alright?’
‘Yes. I’m fine.’ She didn’t look like it and it kind of made me happy. The bliss of giving pain to someone you don’t like is the best after all.
We soon reached my home after dropping Arun at his. Aazaad didn’t look much impressed like every other girl who got lucky and got the chance to come to my home usually get. Her coming from a house like hers I actually expected a big reaction but no that girl didn’t even care to look at the size of my house. I expected a gasp but nothing. I realized it right at that time, she is so not my type.
‘I’ll bring your luggage. You can go ahead, 1612 is the password.’
‘Thank you,’ I told her the password to my house, I was carrying her bags but she was impossible to understand, she neither showed any affection nor gave any attention to me. I can’t stand her. How can an average girl be immune to my charms? ‘Is she- is she into cold guys? Am I being too nice?’ Now when I look back at those times, in my attempt to make her want me, it was me who was more desperate for her attention. She had me wrapped around her finger without even trying.
‘You can take this room. My room is next to yours but don’t think about bothering me if you want something. Don’t even think about finding it on your own. Even if you feel hungry, don’t go and cook something for yourself. Just don’t eat. Am I clear?’ If she was into cold guys then cold it was for me too. I couldn’t let that girl make me feel inferior.
She chuckled as I walked out of the room but I didn’t turn back. I was the cold guy and cold guys never turn back.
An hour passed and as my stomach made noises I started feeling guilty. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her to not cook, she must be hungry too. I should cook for both of us and just ask her to eat with me. Or I can just say I cooked extra by mistake. Just what am I talking about? Is this some movie? I should just go and ask her if she wants to eat something we can just order.
After a long contemplation as to what I should do I finally opened the door and what was it? It was a delicious smell of cheese and herbs. I walked up to the kitchen and she was already cooking even when I told her not to.
‘I told you not to cook even if you were dying of hunger.’
‘Did you mean it? Weren’t you saying it because everybody likes bad guys? Sit. I’m almost done.’
What is she? A mind reader?
‘What? Why would I try to do…’
‘Done.’
‘What did you make?’
‘Pasta. You can eat pasta, right? Allergies?’
‘Did you make it for me too? How did you find everything in the kitchen?’
‘Why? You don’t want to eat? I thought you’d be hungry.’
‘Him. But why do you care? I asked you to not cook, still, you made it for me too?
It feels nice though. It’s the first time someone cooked for me ever since I moved here. But why did you cook for me too?’ Of course, she made it because she is into me was what my overconfident brain said.
‘I didn’t do it because I am interested in you or anything. So don’t think about any such nonsense. Since we will be living together for some time and we rushed back because of Ayush’s parents I thought you might be feeling hungry too. So I made it for both of us.’ It was as if she could read my mind. Every single girl melted into my ‘cold but loner’ face. But she, she just figured me out and dodged the question as if she never noticed it in the first place.
‘Acting sweet and cold from time to time won’t impress me so save it for other girls and just be yourself. We are living together for only a few days. At least be your actual self around someone. Take the opportunity to learn who you are. Also, you won’t be able to impress me either way.’
Was the smile on her face that time, the smile of winning over me? Or was it her way of comforting me and inviting me to take her hand and get out of the invisible wall I was in. But just what was this invisible shell that she could see and I couldn’t. It was hard for me to even comprehend her words but somewhere inside me, there was a voice telling me to listen to her.
‘What are you doing? Leave my hand.’ I was too submerged in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice that I actually held her hand. It was stupid of me to do something like that and it was foolish to let her do it too.
We both sat opposite each other and I refused to let her take over my mind anymore.
‘Thank you… for thinking about me. And sorry for doing all that I did, I mean… since the evening. I am really sorry for my behavior. And thank you again for-for everything, for cooking for me and asking me to be myself and just-just everything. Thank you for trusting me.’ I smiled back.
‘And there you go again. You really think I am a prize? I mean if you were thinking of me as a precious prize to win over I might have been happy a little but right now I am that prize you don’t like but you know you can’t win either and so, you are only trying to win because your ego is hurt. You might like the chase to get what you don’t have but don’t do it with me, you’ll only get hurt. Just be yourself! It’s for your own good. How long do you think you can be happy by lying to yourself that this is who you really are?’
My smile was gone. Firstly, it was just the fact that she figured me out again but then it was this feeling that I can’t explain. It was the feeling of guilt, self-hate, and disgust. Why was I feeling all of it suddenly? What was the meaning of all these feelings? What was it and why was it happening? I couldn’t understand even a single thing. There was a piercing pain in my heart but at the same time, I felt as if I was feeling light but then heavy. I was unable to understand anything. The world turned black and inside my head were thousands of noises. It felt like something in me was about to burst. I could cover up every part of that room in the darkness but I couldn’t. It felt as if someone had taped my mouth and I am struggling to breathe.
I could feel thorns all over my skin. My knees numb, my body light and my head heavy. I don’t know what I was feeling. The only question I had in my mind at that time was, why?
I stood up, it felt like I would die. The thumping in my chest grew louder and louder as if my heart was prepared to just jump out of my body. I was suffocated. When I opened my eyes, the room was covered in hues of black and gray. The walls kept closing up on me. I couldn’t breathe. And then my body felt numb. Painless but I could still feel my intestines churning and my blood going cold. I didn’t know what to do, I tried to stand but I fell. I couldn’t move any longer.
When I felt it’s the end of my life, I felt someone’s warmth. It was my mother. Just like my childhood, I melted in her grasp. I surrender. As streams of salt water escaped my eyes, my brain was vacant of any thoughts. I feel comfortable. I hugged her, though I knew it was all just a dream I wanted to embrace her as long as I could. I couldn’t even say goodbye, I couldn’t even tell her how much I loved her. I just wanted to hold her till I could stay in this dream.
My eyes were still closed and I had no courage to open them. What if I wake up? Was the only thing I could think of. She took my face in her hands and wiped my tears but the tears won’t stop. They kept trailing down my face. I hugged her again. I was afraid she might go if I didn't. She kept rubbing my back as I heard her wince several times. I knew I was holding her too tight but… What if she disappears? I can’t let her go. Not this time.
I don’t know how long it took but I noticed how my heart beat could match hers. How she softly caressed my head. And then I heard her voice.
‘Shush… It’s all fine now.’ It sounded like a distant whisper.
My grip stiffened.
‘I am not going anywhere but I will die if you’ll continue holding me this tight. It’s okay, I promise I won’t go anywhere. I am here.’
Her voice was different but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to me was finally being able to see my mother. Even if it was just for a little time. I was happy. Even if it was just a dream, it was enough.
‘I am sorry. I shouldn’t have left you and gone to my friend instead. I shouldn’t have let you take that bus. I should’ve been there. Should’ve been there to protect you but-but I was too selfish. I want to- want to say thank you for being there and for loving me and letting me do whatever I wanted. You could have told me to not go but you pretended to believe my lies. I know you knew I lied and that I only went there to hang out with the guys but you let me go. Why didn’t you stop me? Just why didn’t you stop me? Nothing would have happened to you if only you had stopped me. Why did you love me so much? I am just a… I am sorry, Maa. I am not a good son. I am sorry. I love you, Maa. Can you not stay here forever? I don’t want to wake up.’
I could hear her sob. ‘Maa, I miss you.’ I said.
She didn’t speak. Her hand clutched my t-shirt. She kept crying.
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