Chapter-1 | My Dearest Aazaad

The characters of this story are kind-of too perfect. I somehow am feeling a little embarrassed introducing myself. Because when you look at it, I think I am the most ordinary one out of them all. But let’s think logically, is there a way to tell my story without introducing myself? Not really. So can I escape this embarrassing moment? Of course not.

Okay, let me give you a heads up then, do not expect me to be interesting. Please. So, now that the truth has been laid, let’s start.

• Read Preface

My name is Ayush Sharma and I am a boring guy. I am working at an IT company as a software engineer and it hasn’t been too long since I completed my education with average scores from an alright university. Now you may think, ‘Ah! Another IT guy. This may be about him falling in love with someone and this and that’, but you are wrong. Why? Because though the content may sound a little similar, the story is definitely not. Someone I once knew always said this to me, ‘no two people live the same life. Just because both are scarred doesn’t mean the scar is from the same object and it definitely does not mean they both felt the same pain, they probably didn’t even get scarred at the same time.’

Yes, indeed a wise woman that I once loved said this to me but wait for it, you may probably end up hating her later. It’s a secret why.

Have you ever played those quizzes online where you are asked to choose one word that matches your personality? Believe me or not but that one question always made me feel a little special. The answer is too stupid but I have grown to become a little sarcastic now so I’ll proudly tell you the reason behind it and imagine that you all found it funny, the reason is that there is no word in all those options that can describe me. How? 

It always has these certain options: 

1. Fun loving, 

2. Easy going, 

3. Athletic, 

4. Reserved, 

5. Kind.

It never has that one word that is the whole definition of me, average. Too average, little average, or just average, anything will work for me but the word is never there. Have you ever considered that being average may not really be that average?

Once upon a time, I was an average guy from an average middle class family with average values and absolutely no opinion of my own. To my averagely strict parents, a child who disobeys his family, is a child who is better disowned. And since this was what I was always taught, I too decided to never speak against them. But you know how you grow up and you want to do things your own way and become a cool independent person? Yeah, I was no different.

The very first time I decided to take charge of my life, was when I decided to write and opt for Arts after high school. It was the one and only dream that I ever had and so I was ready to risk it all but my parents didn’t like the idea. They didn’t even consider it. I never knew that it was that easy to break a person. Within my father’s single statement, it was clear to me that my biggest dream will only stay a dream.

It didn’t took me long to comprehend that all these seeds that held my dreams, will never grow into a plant. The stem will never branch, the flowers will never bloom and the leaves will never get to absorb the sunlight. Those seeds were never sown in a land that was fertile. They shouldn’t have been seeded in the first place.

‘There’s nothing in Arts. Why do you want to be a writer? They hardly earn anything and nobody even read stories anymore. Stop behaving like a stupid kid seriously and do engineering. There’s so much money in it. In the end, only money will help you in life and not dreams or stories.’

I learned an important lesson that day, middle-class kids aren’t supposed to dream but to only fulfill. Fulfill their responsibilities towards their parents, towards the so-called society and then towards their own families. Luckily, if you get a chance once in a year out of this hustle bustle of life, you can think about making yourself happy too. But that’s just all, those two or three days are all you can have for yourself in this long life. Every other day is basically for every other person in your life, every other person that is not you.

So I didn’t fight back, I studied science instead of Arts and I typed codes instead of feelings. And then again as directed by my parents, to become successful in life, I switched off my brain from feeling some certain types of emotions that could later become barrier in my life- sadness, disappointment, desire and rebellion. I knew back then too, those feelings weren’t barriers to my so called happiness but that I was constricted from feeling those emotions because if I had felt them, I’d have become a “bad son” to my parents.

I never fought with my parents, most times, it worked in my favor and so I thought that it was the most perfect type of life for me. I blended quite easily in a life of zero aspiration and ambition, I only knew how to walk the road everyone has walked, blindly, without questioning anything ever. It was all easy for me, but that’s just what I thought because destiny had something entirely different planned for me, something that changed everything I ever believed into something I wished to never come true. My perfect life was hit by a tornado and that was how it all began. It was the beginning of the story of me, her and him.

19th February 2014. It’s always silent before the storm. The sky is unrealistically beautiful, the weather is unnaturally calm and everything seems to be as beautiful as a painting so when the violent winds will ruin this all, we will at least have a beautiful picture to imagine before giving up our last breath. That day too brought with it the beautiful lie before the arrival of a dreadful storm in my perfect life.

‘Ayush, go get ready we have to go to Verma uncle’s son’s wedding. Stop wasting your time on your laptop all the time. Wear that beige kurta that I bought for you on your birthday, you look good in it. I will be introducing you to Verma ji’s daughter. She is very beautiful. Do you remember her? Radhika? You used to play with her all the time when you both were kids.’

‘Radhika who? I don’t know any Radhika. And I am not meeting anyone I don’t want to get married either. Ah! Also mom, just in case you have forgotten let me remind you again that I am only twenty-six.’

‘What are you saying? Twenty-six is enough. I got married when I was 18. I had you when I was twenty so don’t teach me. Just shut up and get ready quickly.’

‘Mom, please. You guys decide everything in my life, but have I ever complained? No, right? But at least discuss these things with me. This is marriage for God’s sake! It’s not a small thing. At least let me decide this for myself. It’s my life, I deserve to decide at least my personal matters by myself. You guys have always forced me to do everything according to your choice. So for once, let me do something that I want. Have I ever complained before? Never, I even studied my ass off so you both could be satisfied with me. I never asked for anything because I had to be your “good son” but enough seriously. Marriage isn’t a joke.’

‘What? What is wrong with you? What are you saying right now? How dare you speak to me like that? If you say one more word, I’ll slap you on your face. Have we never sacrificed for your sake? If it wasn’t for you, why would we ever spend so much money on your education? I and your dad can live on his pension money happily. We have sacrificed so much all this time just for you. We don’t need your job, we can live without your money but we did all this just because we wanted to see you happy and stable in your life. So you can have as much money as you want. So you don’t have to sacrifice like we did. So you don’t have to think twice before doing something for your kids.’

It all shunned me for a second and I realized how cruel I was being, how stupid of me to say something like this to my mother who has walked instead of hiring a rickshaw so I could use that money to comfortably reach my school and tuitions every single day. All she wanted was for me to have a nice life and how stupid was I to tell her that she had done all this for herself. How stupid was I behaving and more than that, how stupid was I to reply her back for the first time in my entire life? How disappointed would she have felt seeing her perfect son replying her back in such a tone with such harsh words?

‘I’m-I am sorry Maa. I’ll go get ready. I was just irritated because of work pressure. Sorry.’ It was exactly how my life always was. I never spoke back so I was always expected to behave exactly the same way. But then when I tried, I was always told the big sacrifices my parents had made for me. I am not saying that they didn’t do anything for me but why was it always that their sacrifices were glorified and written in gold, framed with diamonds on every single wall of our house to remind me that I have to be thankful to them while mine were always simply ignored?

***

Hours later, we were at the venue when my eyes caught the very first sight of her. ‘She is beautiful, Maa.’ I mumbled unable to take my eyes off of her. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met. Radhika, her name was Radhika. And if I was even a little bit lucky, I was going to get married to her.

My mother always said that couples are made in heaven. I often wondered and asked her the obvious, ‘why were arranged marriages invented if it’s all fixed?’ She always had this conversant expression and a smile on her lips with the same old answer that she always gave, ‘somebody has to make the two meet’. But isn’t that what destiny does? The question always made me curious but now when I look back in time, my curiosity was indeed proven correct because destiny was exactly what made our paths cross. This brief encounter of our fate was the first part of the long deadly calamity that was about to hit my life.

Her beauty was so mesmerizing that everything I told my mother hours ago was completely out of my memory. I was struck by the cupid’s arrow. When I saw her for the first time, my eyes couldn’t stop but glimmer at every sight of her. Even if I wanted, I just couldn’t stop looking. She was beautiful and hence, I fell in love with her at the very first sight.

I remember the day it all happened very clearly. She was standing in front of me and so it was really difficult to force my senses to stop being so dreamy and imaginative inside my head, it is never a good idea to meet a girl and plan your wedding and your kid’s name in the very first meeting. But unlike my mental state, like every other sanskari guy I revved up my feelings, fixed my mannerisms and touching her parents’ feet greeted them and it was after that when we were both left alone to talk. Talking to her, I realized I was believing in the wrong notions for more than half of my life, I realized what a big lie it is that beautiful girls are dumb because she clearly wasn’t. Also, there was one more thing that I learned about myself that day- I was a complete numb-head when it came to pick-up lines. Luckily, she laughed at ‘I hope our kids will look like you’ instead of giving me awkward glares for saying something as stupid as that on our first meeting. I mean just really, who talks like that? We exchanged our numbers and momentarily gave each other shy smiles every time our eyes met. She was a great sight, I can’t deny.

That day was one of the happiest one in my life at that time. For the first time, I was glad to not to fight back instead of regretting it like every other time.

Our families soon bid each other goodbyes but before leaving they had a little conversation away from us. Both I and Radhika were left alone again but to my surprise, neither of us really wanted to talk but our focus was solely on guessing what our parents were talking about. As I hoped, the news came positive. ‘Her parents loved you’, my parents informed as soon as we settled inside the car. The only formality was our yes and it was already a yes from my side, somewhere I knew it was a yes from hers too. It was my first time being in love, anyone could tell how happy I was by the smile that was plastered on my face throughout the journey. I was happy, really happy.