Someone once said to me, ‘It’s the darkest under the light’.
25th October 2014
The moment I stepped out of the train, I could hear my heart pounding. It was so fast that if it could, it would just jump out and reach my apartment before me. From my walk to my behavior, my overall personality was highly jumbled between the feelings of excitement and fear. So I settled for the last resort, I dropped all my feelings with my bag in the back seat of the taxi and sat in front with the driver. The least I could do for myself was try to be friendly with everyone I see or meet. Living in a fast-paced city where people were way too modern than my expectations, was clutching my neck slowly making me gasp. I was just a small towner in a big city.
Observed into my thoughts during the whole journey I was finally brought back to reality by the driver’s voice. I quickly paid and made my way to my room on the second floor of the building, ‘Flat no. 34’.
I failed to do what I planned in the very first hour of my time in this big city. Sarcastically, I patted my back and commented: ‘Well done, Mr. Ayush Sharma. You have officially failed your first mission within the very first hour of your “so-called new life”.’
I wonder if this sarcasm was the result of me trying to act cool in a city full of cool people or a side effect of having a broken marriage along with a broken heart. Well, though I wasn’t sure of the reason, there was one thing that I was absolutely certain about, I was behaving really weird that day.
In no time, I was standing in front of the apartment door when I heard a voice from inside the house and it suddenly clicked my mind- I have a roommate, how can I forget that?
I pressed the doorbell. Nobody answered. So, I pressed it again but there was again no reply. Suddenly some stupid ideas casually started strolling inside my head and I was alarmed out of nowhere- what if there is a thief inside? What if, if there is a criminal?
I pressed the bell again and tried to hear any voices coming from inside so I could know what was happening behind the door. It was a woman; I could hear her voice but there wasn’t a single thing that I could understand. ‘So my roommate perhaps is a player?’ I was being judgmental but I was also sure that my judgment was accurate.
Hearing the voices I was sure it was someone moaning. It felt quite gross thinking about what could have been happening inside the room but I kept trying to control the kite of my thoughts from flowing away any farther in the sky of my illogical suspicions. I admit I watched and read a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories but in no way was this the appropriate timing to put my lessons into action.
‘Don’t. Just don’t think anything. It’s alright. At least be nice to your roommate that’s the only way you can survive peacefully here. Just don’t…’ the door opened and a woman in nothing but a white wrinkled shirt was in front of my eyes. No. No. No. Don’t… don’t think anything. Don’t even fantasize. Please. Please. I was desperately trying to control both my expressions and my thoughts.
The woman kept looking at me in doubt as I stood in front of her with my mouth half open and my eyes wide.
‘Who-Who are you? And why were you leaning on my door? Did you press the bell?’ She seemed suspicious and now that I recall it, the Aazaad I saw on the first day at our first meeting was almost completely different than the Aazaad I lived with. How? I don’t know but the difference in her tone during our first conversation to all the other ones that we had in the future, makes it almost impossible to believe that I was living with the same person. If it wasn’t for just that one day, I probably would have felt that I was being pranked by some evil twins.
‘I-I am Saurav’s new roommate,’ I answered putting my bagpack on my suitcase.
‘Oh! You are here. Come on in. Should I help you with the luggage?’
I couldn’t let her help me. Just couldn’t. I was afraid of what I might see or notice unintentionally. ‘I can do it. Please. Thank you for asking.’
She didn’t respond and just walked inside some other room. I expected that she left to tell Saurav of my arrival but instead she entered the living room with a glass of water and sat in front of me on the chair opposite to mine.
‘So… nice to meet you, roomie.’
I literally choked on my water hearing the word “roomie” from her mouth. Am I going to live with both of them? You mean, I will be needing to live with Saurav and his girlfriend under the same roof? While they’ll be doing stuff, I will be living in this house? What did I put myself into? First a broken marriage now a horny couple living in the room next to mine. Did I got cursed or something?
‘Are you alright?’ She asked.
‘Ye-Yes. Saurav? Where is Saurav?’ All that which came into my mind that time was: Screw them, screw the friend thing and tell this guy to make his girlfriend go away. I can’t live with people who are having sex knowing that their new housemate is going to come today. I can’t leave this matter.
‘I want to talk to Saurav.’
‘Umm… Saurav doesn’t live here.’
‘Just what does this girl think of me? I just heard you both.’ My inner-self was screaming inside. I was furious.
‘You-’
‘Saurav left for the US this month and I live here now. He gave me the room without telling the owner. They wouldn’t have allowed me to live here if they’d known. I’d appreciate if you won’t tell them either.’
‘Are you kidding me? He was inside. I heard the voices.’
The woman kept staring at me like she was completely unaware of what I was talking about. I was furious thinking how could they joke around like this with such a straight face when I was clearly getting angry? I stood up in anger and entered the room whose door was open. I checked everywhere even below the bed, the closet, everywhere.
‘What are you doing? Are you insane? What voices are you talking about?’
How was it possible that there was no one in that room? I clearly heard the woman whisper and the sound of someone moaning. And if whatever that she was saying was the truth, then what took her so long to open the door? I had so many questions.
‘If there was no one, who were you talking to? I heard you speaking to someone. And why did you take so much time to open the door? Tell me the truth, where is Saurav? I won’t judge either of you, just tell me the truth. Where is he?’
‘Boy, are you delusional? I wasn’t talking to anyone. I was in the bathroom when I heard the bell ring so I was shouting “I am coming” from inside. Then while I was hurrying I slipped and was in pain. That was it.’
‘Wow! Seriously. You think I’ll believe your story? You both were having sex, weren’t you? That’s what took you so long.’
I realized I was wrong when she slammed the bathroom door open, the floor was wet and I was imagining too much.
‘Just what were you imagining?’
‘I… I am sorry. I thought… I am really sorry. I didn’t know that you are my roommate I was expecting Saurav then I heard your voice and my mind was just… it just started imagining all kind of weird things. I am sorry, really I am from a small town so it just happened.’
‘So? You are from a small town, so? Is that even an excuse? And just what were you imagining? Gosh seriously! Disgusting. Next time, please don’t think and imagine anything. Just tell me or ask me before using your brain. That will be easier for both of us. Being from a small town has nothing to do with small mentality.’
‘I am sorry. I am Ayush Sharma.’ As I gave my hand, I noticed it trembling. I was so embarrassed to even look into her eyes.
‘Aazaad. I am Aazaad. And it’s okay, you can look me in the eyes. Don’t be so nervous, such things happen in life but I hope they won’t, anymore. Adventure, that’s what these things are called.’ Her hands were warm maybe that was what made me feel comfortable enough to say something completely out of the context.
‘Will you please wear some clothes?’
I could see her burst into laughter from the corners of my eyes because even though I had the guts to say something so absurd, I still was afraid to make eye contact with her. But she, I thought she might feel embarrassed by my words but nope, she was so amused that she just couldn’t stop laughing, ‘I am wearing clothes. Do you think I’ll just open the door like that? I am fine living with a guy but that doesn’t mean I am some easy girl who’ll just open up her door to a stranger without wearing clothes. There’s a lot of dignity in me.’
‘Down.’ I couldn’t even comprehend why I was just saying all that stuff in front of someone I didn’t even know. And who was I to judge what she was wearing? But somehow everything I thought in my head turned into words.
‘Have you heard about the word “shorts”?’
I wanted to die. I couldn’t look at myself or anyone in the world. I was that humiliated.
‘Sorry again.’
‘I would like it if you will just stop imagining stuff. I am not that comfortable living with a guy who fantasies weird things that much.’
‘I have sisters at home. I’ll think of you as a sister. I promise.’
She chuckled. And I again realized I was just speaking anything and everything without even thinking.
Even though it was the first time I met her, I was already too comfortable to speak just anything in front of her. She was always like that, there was a sense of affability in her that made everyone just speak out things without fearing that she might judge them. There was a certain look on her face or maybe her behavior, I still can’t point out what exactly was that thing that made her who she was. But she was always so kind and always so mischievous.
I immediately hurried inside my room after the awkward conversation and arranged my stuff, she asked if I needed her help but the only thing that I didn’t need at that time was her help. I quickly unpacked, managed my things and went for a bath. I don’t exactly remember how long it took, but I was dreaming 2 or 3 minutes as soon as my back hit my bed.
***
The time I finally opened my eyes, the room was already dark. I checked my phone, it was 10 in the night. I could hear faint voices of people laughing but I made sure I won’t jump to conclusions this time. So I carefully opened the door and the faint voices became clear enough for me to know that they were coming from the TV. She, Aazaad was sitting on the beige sofa that was facing the flat screen on the yellow wall with a plate in her hand. My stomach made noises as the smell of the food filled up my nostrils, they were sounds that I’d never heard before. I never felt hungry ever in my life for the obvious fact that I never needed to starve, my mother was always ready with food before I had to even ask.
I never thought I would miss her on the very first day of moving out but I just did. The reason why I was happy running away from my parents was gaining freedom but when I finally got that freedom, I was homesick because I never really had even the slightest taste of independence and now that I had it, it was bitter.
With a heavy sigh I looked at the woman in front of me but without expecting anything from her, I made my way to the kitchen and decided to make the easiest thing one can make, instant noodles.
‘Good morning? I just covered your plate on the kitchen counter right now, I thought you were sleeping so I didn’t disturb you. Thank God! I didn’t put the food in the fridge. It’s still warm I haven’t started eating either. Let’s eat together, it will be nice to eat with someone finally.’
Is this woman an angel? It was surprising, why would she make food for me? And why does she wanted to eat with me? She hardly knew what kind of person I was and after the whole conversation we had in the afternoon, I was 90% sure that I came off as a pervert in front of her.
‘Can you not find it? Wait, I’ll come.’ She said from the living room.
‘No. No. I got it.’ She made food for me, the least I could do was eat with her. Since she said “finally”. My sympathetic-self was asking to not overthink and just eat with her. I can do at least this much as a gesture for her gratitude.
She patted the place beside her and asked me to join her on the sofa. I gave my affirmation with a tight smile and made sure that I’ll keep my distance but at least she was wearing a trouser this time.
‘I thought you’ll be tired so I decided to not to disturb you while you were sleeping. We can divide the house chores tomorrow. You can rest as much as you can for today. I’ll clean up the dishes and everything. Don’t worry.’
Maybe I was stupid and actually was thinking too much. Maybe she is just nice, I smiled.
‘I can clean up the dishes. I am quite rested, to be honest. And I’ll start work from the day after tomorrow so it’s fine.’
‘Really? Then we can stay up all night. We can get to know each other more, it will make it easier for us to live together. We’ll feel more comfortable. By the way, your eyelashes are really long. They make your eyes look pretty even though they look kind of average.’
‘Umm? Thank you?’
The question of why she was so interested popped up in my mind again. She was so suspicious. But I decided to just go with the flow. At the very least, I couldn’t afford to mess up with the person I had to live with.
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