STORY: I have been dating this girl for approx. 10 months now. Everything was wonderful for initial 6 months and then I came to know about her past bf (she had not told me). When I asked she accepted and later also told me she was in live-in with him for 1 year! That totally broke me. We tried to continue keeping past behind but I learnt that she had been in touch with him until I came to know about him. She claimed it was normal conversation once in a while with him but I could not trust her any more, so I asked for access to her phone calls/email and fb (which she gave). She also deactivated her fb and created new a/c and also changed her no to block that guy. Nothing major has gone wrong since then but I am not able to trust her anymore.
2 things that hurt the most are:
a. She was in a live-in for long
b. She was in touch with him for months while dating me.
I liked her that's why I made all of that effort (and she says she did too) but I do not know if I will be happy with her. Please suggest what I should do ?
ANSWER:
Dear Nishant,
First thing first. Yes, it’s totally normal that your girlfriend’s past live-in relationship affects you. So relax.
Now about this “Doubt problem”, tell me do you love her? Yes… you do, you told me. So basically it’s not lack of trust but excess of insecurity. I’ll explain…
You already know that she loves you and you also know that she’s genuine but the problem is her past live-in relationship affects you, why? Because you are insecure. You are insecure of the fact that her ex has a greater right on her because he has lived with her while you’ve not. You are insecure that he might steal her away in the name of their past relationship.
It’s okay! It’s not your fault and is totally normal. But, when we love someone we usually gets protective towards them which sometimes leads to destruction of our loved one’s personal space, and yes that’s not good.
So I’ll tell you what you should do.
1. Spend more time with her. When you’ll spend more time with her you’ll know that she is with you most times and not with anyone else. So basically the “DOUBT” factor will slightly come down the bar.
2. Speak out. Once when the time is right and there’s no external stress, hold her hand or cuddle up with her and tell her about this problem of yours. Tell her about your insecurities and ask her to solve them out, and please don’t say something that sounds aggressive. Try this, “Baby, I don’t know why but those things really disturbs me and I don’t want them to spoil us ‘cause I don’t want to lose you, so please help me out and clarify this to me so that this stuff will never come up in my mind. Because I love you” Now remember while saying all this don’t be in front of her because according to psychology, that usually turns up the different heat, that’s anger of course, and we don’t want that. So, try being beside her or cuddle up.
3. Now, important part. Stop listening to those friends who are telling you to breakup. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with being in a live-in relationship. She used to have feelings for that guy at that particular time but now she’s done with him and loves you and only you. We all have breakups and bad relationships she had one too.
Her talking to that guy is not a crime trust me but yes your insecurity is legit too. But trust me she is just nice or they might’ve broken up for good or better she might’ve really moved on from him. Yeah! Moved on, because girls usually talk to their exes when they don’t really feel the same way for them. So yeppiiee.. she is all yours.
And yes, If she gave you access to all her social media accounts and changed her number too ‘cause you asked her, You are insane for still doubting her. But you know what? It’s okay, at least you’re making an effort to resolve the issue while there are many who just question the girl and breaks up with her. So pat yourself on the shoulder because you my friend is doing great.
Well I’m pretty sure talking to her will work, if done in the correct way of course. And I have told you the right way. So well all the best to you.
And if you need more help you know how to reach me.
Love, Megha
#spreadSmiles
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